roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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