Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
