mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
