Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Screwed.edu
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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