I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
