I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
