I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
