so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
