I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
