His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
