Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
