Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
