Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
