I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
