I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
