It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
