just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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