Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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