Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
