Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
