Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
