you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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