So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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