Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
