so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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