Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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