I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
