you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
