You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You have to summon your inner elephant
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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