I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
