you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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