He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
