Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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