Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize