turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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