This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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