Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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