I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
