Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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