Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
