my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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