Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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