Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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