I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
