i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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