i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
