So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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