just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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