When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
