you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize