my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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