whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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