I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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