if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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