We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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