if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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