she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
