yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
