Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
