Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
