Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
