This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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