oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Life is so much better after having sex.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize