with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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