good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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