Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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