Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
