why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
