I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
