New invention idea: vibrating tampons
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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